Free pass? Well, yes, sort of

The statement has long since become a cliche’: “Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.”

But the saying doesn’t hint at the means by which the insanity is inflicted.  I can enlighten you.

It’s bureaucracy.  Which makes sense, considering the apparent skills of the many people (I am pointing no fingers, nor naming names — they know who they are), the individuals, groups, political parties, sewing circles, volleyball teams, whoever it may be that creates ever more complicated regulations for achieving the simplest ends.

Naturally I have a personal case study to submit as evidence.  And it will not surprise anyone to hear that it involves the ACTV.  The public transport — I hesitate to call it a system, much less a service — organization is like an enormous special-needs class (no disrespect meant to the real thing).

We have known for years that the ACTV issues a free monthly pass to Venetians who are 75 years old or more (note: there will be a catch to this, because it is too simple).  I knew it when Lino reached that landmark, and when he passed the subsequent landmark.  I became obsessed with the fact that we were paying for something each month that he could get for free.

So what was holding me, him, us back?  The application process.  Because while the ACTV may say that they want you to have this benefit (something they have never said, but let’s pretend), they struggle painfully against providing it.

Other Venetians who have the free pass, including some of our close relatives, have pounded on us several times a year with the hammerblows of “It’s really easy to get.”  I knew that couldn’t be true.

But guess what?  I found out this morning that it was, in fact, easy to get — up until Dec. 31, 2014.  But we started the application process on January 28, just after a mass of new regulations went into effect, and discovered ourselves at the foot of the bureaucratic equivalent of the North Face of the Eiger.  Yet another example of the “You should’ve been here yesterday” that haunts my life.

But we didn’t know that detail when we turned for succor to one extremely tired but meticulous and conscientious man in an office dedicated to helping citizens with various forms of paperwork — an office run, not by the city, may I note, but by one of the many labor unions.  Say what you will about unions, this is one spot on the globe where generations of sacrifice and effort have borne some kind of fruit.

I may have mentioned that the applicant has to be 75 or over.  Now comes the catch.  It’s not enough to be old — you also have to be poor (a maximum annual income of 16,631.71 euros, or $18,757.60).  Happily, I guess, we are in that category.  But don’t take our word for it.  They want proof.

Here is what Lino had to bring to the sainted man embroiled in completing our application process for the ACTV free pass:

His ID card (to confirm date of birth, also residency, also citizenship, I guess).

His codice fiscale (like a Social Security number).

A statement from the bank summarizing our average monthly balance.

A document from the bank detailing our mortgage, our monthly payments, and when it will be paid off.

A many-page document from our accountant which itemizes his income and outgo for 2014, as sent to the Income Tax people.

The document registered with the “catasto,” a city agency for which I cannot find an intelligible translation.  This details the precise dimensions of our domicile and assigns an official assessment of its value.  Just to make sure that we’re not buying an apartment the size of a Welcome mat for  800,000 euros (not the price) on an income that’s below the poverty line.  You know how sneaky those rich people are, pretending to be poor, which in fact is not a joke.  I give the ACTV slight credit for attempting to ensure that we’re not in that category of person, although that category of person often manages to find a way to — as the saying goes here — have their wife drunk and the cask of wine still full.  If you get my drift.  I say, Make the rule Age or Destitution, but not both.  But no.

My ID card.

My codice fiscale.

Acquiring these documents entailed two trips to the bank, one trip to the accountant, and two trips to the union office, where we had to wait for most of one morning for our turn, like sitting in a hospital emergency room without a serious emergency.

NOW we have to wait 15 days, then call the sainted man to find out if he’s got the approval, so we can take the ACTV application form to the ACTV office and get the pass.  Lino says the two-week wait is because all our information will be sent to some federal office where our data will be compared with their data, just in case Lino turns out to be one of those devious rich people who tries to pull a fast one.

I might be inclined to applaud the organization’s efforts to avoid being exploited, but there are so many loopholes through which the rich easily pass that it seems ludicrous to devastate everybody’s gonads just to show that you can.

But I may not be seeing this the right — I mean the ACTV — way.

Just give him the pass already.