Uncategorized | Venice: I am not making this up

The Easter after-effects

April 14, 2020 15 Comments

A new day, a new sign, and some new decrees. Thanks to the bright sparks who refuse to be controlled, we woke up this morning to even more stringent regulations. First it was wearing masks when going into a store, maintaining one meter of distance between individuals. Then it was masks and gloves (as you recall) when entering a shop, and one meter of personal distance. As of today, masks and gloves are required of anyone/everyone leaving their house, no matter where they’re going or what they want to do when they get there. Personal distancing is now two meters, so only three people at a time instead of four are allowed inside the faithful detergent/cosmetics store. It’s not that any of these requirements is so burdensome, but it’s kind of tedious to have them imposed because some people just can’t be bothered with any of them.

Despite a number of extreme measures imposed by the national government on the verge of the Easter holiday weekend (Saturday, Sunday, Monday), there are still people who just can’t be reined in.

The decree as of Friday was that nobody was permitted to leave their primary residence. Keywords: “Nobody,” “leave,” “primary residence.” These simple words can’t find any space in many brains because those spaces are occupied by “fun,” and “holiday,” and “break the monotony.” Knowing this, the various order-keeping forces of the Veneto (and I assume elsewhere) fielded regiments of supplementary officers, stationing them at checkpoints on the main roads leading from towns toward the mountains and the beaches. Even if you were heading five minutes across town to your extra dwelling/apartment/lair, you would get fined and sent back to your primary residence. And that fine has no connection with what you might get for perhaps not driving with a mask and gloves, or if you were driving more than one passenger, and that one passenger wasn’t sitting, as per the law, in the rear seat on the opposite side from the driver.

You see? This is how we got from the Ten Commandments to the entire books of Numbers, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy — a simple concept has to become endlessly complicated because people just don’t want to hear it.

Either the Coop was completely denuded by closing time Saturday night, or they’re expecting extreme demand this morning. In any case, the bulwark of boxes containing supplies is a little unnerving. And as you see, it’s not over yet.

I think I’ll just break somebody’s heart showing this block of toilet paper: Each package contains four mega-rolls.

Anyway, back to the creative cheaters. A few days ago (every day ago seems like a week ago), a man was stopped by the police in Mestre, inquiring as to his reason for being out walking around the streets.

“I’m going to work,” he replied. This is good, because it’s one of the few reasons you’re allowed to be out. And what work is that? was the natural response from the police.

“I deal drugs,” he replied.

Over the three-day holiday weekend, the scofflaws had a ball. In and around Venice the majority of residents stayed inside, or close by; only 323 people were fined for infractions such as walking on the beach. But elsewhere in Italy, things were humming along to the tune of 13,756 citizens or commercial activities being fined for illegally doing something. Or anything.

On Monday (“Pasquetta”), a member of Parliament was stopped on the road going from Rome to Ostia (a/k/a the beach). When asked where she was going, and why, she replied, “I’m a member of Parliament and I’m working.” Because the police couldn’t establish a rational connection between Parliament and Beach on a holiday, she went home with a fine. Which of course she is going to contest, because something. Injustice, oppression, experts guilty of conflicts of interest, the destruction of the national economy under the excuse of the epidemic, and the danger of vaccines (none of this is made up).

A policeman in Torino stopped a man driving somewhere to inquire where he was going, and the man replied, “I’m going to make love to a friend.” The driver got a 533-euro fine, but the policeman is now under disciplinary action for having put the video (probably via bodycam) on social media. The friend is still waiting.

Yes, there were parties — the by-now usual rooftop barbecues with loud music, easy to detect by the patrolling police helicopters. (In one city, one reveler actually shot at the helicopter.) In Lodi, a young man who knew he was positive for the virus invited five friends over to his house. Naturally they’ve all been fined; I’m still mulling over their concept of “friend.”

Then we move to the grassy embankment of the little river Piovego, near Padova. On Easter Sunday afternoon, a young man was sitting on one of the steps leading down to the water. Alone. Therefore sad. It’s wrong to be outside but he has an excellent reason, which he explained to the policemen (Guardia di Finanza, for the record).

It was on these steps that he had met his girlfriend; where they shared their first kiss; where they had spent such lovely times together. But the separation imposed by the quarantine had somehow led her to break up with him. And so, eyes filled with tears (I am not being sarcastic, I am reporting from the newspaper), he decided to return there to seek inspiration for a poem, a poem that would somehow win her back.

The officers recognized his predicament and were — as far as possible for someone in uniform — completely in sympathy with his plight. They felt for him, even as they were writing out the ticket. And so the young man was sent home, without his girlfriend, without his poem, and also without some 300 euros.

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Determined to smile

April 5, 2020 18 Comments

Even though we are occupying a fairly small physical area, I’m making an effort to keep my brain and eyes open. Funny things are not impossible to find.

A day or two before The Ordinance took over the entrance to the detergent/housewares/cosmetics shop, there was this urgent announcement: “There’s no alcohol. For anybody who asks, A FINE! 1 spritz.” What a refreshing breath of the air of the world that used to be. There’s no alcohol because evidently the desire to disinfect has caused a run on that too. So far, so serious. But imposing a fine in the form of a spritz? That belongs to the years of yore, when the spritz was the generally agreed-upon prize or penalty for anything. Does anybody even remember what a spritz is? I used to know… Now it sounds just about as foreign as “A FINE! 1 plate of flambe’d flamingo tongues.”

We had only stepped outside our house for some sunshine when Lino noticed something droll. On the right is our Italian flag, hanging unceremoniously but not without respect on the kitchen shutter. And above, on Donatella’s clothesline, are two bathrobes and a towel…

…which if you don’t insist on perfection you can recognize as echoing the colors of the national flag just below. It’s a distant echo, true — the red and the green are startling Day-Glo relatives of the official hues (which as you know are Philippine Green, Fire-Engine Red, and Anti-Flash White). And Lino also pointed out that the towel should have been in the middle. But I’m ready to give her ten extra points — and a spritz — for hanging out these exact three pieces, even if she hadn’t given any thought at all to the national flag.

What’s so funny about this scrap of the neighborhood? I have been bemused by this ever since we moved down here 15 years ago. It’s the progression of the structures. The bridge is the widest of the elements; at some point a house was built that occupied half of the bridge. That just baffles the hoo out of me, but in a tug of war between a house and a bridge, I suppose compromise becomes inevitable. Moving ahead, we see that the next building has staked its claim to half of the street. This little trick of cutting things in half had to stop there, or there wouldn’t have been any street left.

I’m sitting on the fondamenta after lunch, and a banana peel is doing the dead man’s float. Quarantine really opens your eyes, and sometimes way more than necessary.

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Now it’s masks and GLOVES

April 4, 2020 5 Comments

The fruit-and-vegetable boat had to be creative to meet the new requirement of establishing a clear entrance and exit, but they managed just fine. It’s a curious sensation to be there without being smushed against the railing by 25 other people and having to somehow remember when your turn is. The sign says “Beginning of the line for the boat. Only 2 persons at a time.” Massimo and Luca have been wearing latex gloves since this thing began, but today was the first time they wore masks.

By now everybody knows that anyone venturing outside should be wearing a mask. But masks have been dang hard to come by over the past week or so. One of our two pharmacies didn’t have them (sold out); the housewares/cosmetics store was selling them, one to a customer, for 2.50 euros (steep!); and the free masks that the evening news report had said would be available at the newsstands weren’t to be had even for ready money. I know I said they were supposed to be free, but if they don’t even exist, that’s a minor point.

Well, I finally nabbed a package of masks at the pharmacy — they said it was the last one — then this morning there was a big sign at the newsstand stating that 5 masks would be given with each purchase of La Nuova Venezia (the other newspaper). Naturally I bought the paper, got the masks, and so we’re set for a few days, considering how little we go out. Lino has taken to calling them “muzzles.”

But now gloves have entered the scene. A new decree was broadcast last night, another pump of the brakes to slow this virus down: Masks AND SINGLE-USE GLOVES ARE REQUIRED of anyone going into a store, or intending to buy anything outside, as well. This is obviously required of the sellers, too. Furthermore, the shop or sales area must have one (1) entrance and one (1) exit, clearly marked. And, of course, the usual one-meter distance between the limited number of people permitted to be in the store together.

There were a few notices at the entrance of the detergent/housewares/cosmetics store. On the orange sign: “To enter mask, scarf and gloves.” On the yellow sign: “According to the ordinance you must use a mask or scarf and single-use gloves. Those who don’t have them just ask for them.” The idea wasn’t that they intended to give away free gloves forever, but they were being kind and/or savvy in supplying some for this visit only — in my case, so I could go in and buy gloves. Virtually every shop had some sort of sign alerting their customers to the new rules, but they didn’t express themselves in the same way. This was starting out strong, leading with “the ordinance.”

So today the neighborhood was peopled by individuals with faces concealed by all sorts of coverings — crinkly green paper, fuzzy white paper, some cloth, in assorted configurations. But not everybody wants to accept the reason for the mask, just as not everybody (looking at my brother-in-law) has accepted the reason for the car seatbelt. I’ve seen people pull the belt across their chest and just hold it in their hand, without attaching it. I have never grasped what they thought they were doing, but evidently they think windshield-face is preferable to doing what someone tells them to do, even if it’s for their own good.

Case in point: Sergio P, a very good guy whom I’ve rowed with on various occasions. This morning, as I was walking home along the fondamenta, here he came. We stopped to exchange hellos. My voice was muffled, but his was not because, like a number of people I’ve seen, his mask was hanging around his neck, below his chin. (People do this with dog muzzles, too. “Yes,” the implication is, “my dog has a muzzle.” The law says the dog has to have a muzzle. Your point being?)

Maybe I looked at him funny, because he said “The mask is down because I’m smoking.” Of course that’s logical, as far as it goes — you’ve got to be able to get the cigarette to your mouth. But logic ends there, because if the mask is there to protect your lungs from the virus, why did you move it so you can wreck your lungs with smoke?

I didn’t ask him this.

So: Gloves and masks it is.